How Motherhood Courageously Challenges the Perfectionist Mindset

By Ashley Kopp, LCSW | Life of Wellness Counseling

As a therapist specializing in women’s mental health, I work with women navigating the transition into motherhood every day. Becoming a mother is one of the most profound identity shifts a woman can experience, and yet, we often enter this season with deeply ingrained expectations—some we may not even realize we hold. These expectations shape our experience, sometimes leading to disappointment, frustration, or even feelings of failure.

If you identify as a perfectionist, Type A personality, or high achiever, you may find that these traits, which have likely propelled you to success in other areas of life, show up differently in motherhood. The drive to excel can make the unpredictable, messy, and often exhausting reality of parenting feel overwhelming.

Perfectionism in Motherhood

A phrase I use often in therapy is: “Your greatest strengths can also be your biggest challenges.” If being goal-oriented, structured, and driven has helped you achieve in school, your career, or other aspects of life, you may be used to measuring success in clear, tangible ways. But motherhood doesn’t offer the same metrics for success—it’s not a pass/fail experience.

Many high-achieving women struggle with the fact that they simply cannot do it all after having a child. They expect themselves to maintain the same level of productivity, organization, and ambition while also balancing the demands of caring for a little one. When you add up the responsibilities—keeping your child safe and healthy, managing household tasks, maintaining relationships, working (for some), prioritizing self-care—it becomes impossible to do everything at 100%. The real challenge is recognizing where your worth is coming from and whether unrealistic expectations are stealing your joy.

Resentment & the Perfectionist Mom

Resentment is a theme that comes up in my therapy sessions almost daily with high-achieving moms. It often signals an unmet or unspoken need. It can look like:

• Feeling frustrated that your partner isn’t helping out enough.
• Resenting that others get to rest or enjoy time for themselves.
• Keeping score of who’s doing more.

Brené Brown encourages us to view resentment through the lens of envy, rather than anger. If you’re experiencing resentment, ask yourself:

• What need of mine is not being met?
• Have I actually communicated this need to anyone?

Often, unmet needs are things like sleep, alone time, connection, or simply a break. The truth is, we are much less resentful when we feel cared for, too.

Are You Trapping Yourself?

One of the most profound realizations I see in therapy is when a mom recognizes that she feels trapped by expectations she has placed on herself. A classic example: wanting a partner to help more, but feeling the need to control exactly how things are done. If your drive for excellence makes it hard to delegate, ask yourself:

• Where did this expectation come from?
• What does it mean if I don’t do it all?
• Is there actually a “right” way, or just my way?

The pressure to “do it all” is often self-imposed, and letting go of control—even just a little—can be incredibly freeing.

Giving Yourself Permission to Let Go

So, my encouragement for you, mama? Decide where you want to invest your energy. That high-achieving mentality has served you well, but it doesn’t have to apply to everything. Allow yourself to release the pressure of perfection and instead embrace good enough—because good enough is more than enough.

There’s no such thing as a perfect mom, but there are so many ways to be a great one.

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